Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*