Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
im all 3
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆