My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Are you ok, human???
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit