if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]