What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Bringing home a sharpie