Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
did it work