I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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Tony Hawk, age 6
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!