Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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synchronized noseblowing
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..