Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Damn he played himself
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Ha
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.