Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*