[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Finally
Hank is one in a melon.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Lmfao