doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy