After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.