Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
So sick of all these stupid rules
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Ape together strong
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.