I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.