[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
You Might Also Like
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
True statement👍😏😁
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.