Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?