Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
had to make it
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
scared to check what name she chose
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password