I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
who wore it better?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”