A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.