how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn