“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good