“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I’m sorry…what?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
jesus christ confetti not now
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts