wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”