conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Todayβs kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we π
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and Iβm pretty sure itβs trying to escape because I work it too hard
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but itβs like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Going to church you guys need anything
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Starting to think Iβm single because of everyone elseβs shortcomings.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I canβt move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!