oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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