David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Fights fire with marshmallows
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM