If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
cat vs inanimate object
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
So, can we agree on 4 or
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start