Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs