HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
accurate
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*