shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Zack Greinke stories are the best
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!