Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?