Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
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I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Can’t stop laughing
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.