My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.