Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.