I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
me as a parent
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar