Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
But is it really??
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.