Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number