[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.