Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*lint rolls you awake*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
#MeanwhileinCanada
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.