Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
lmfao come on
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.