*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.