10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.