Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
We avoided this particular disaster
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex