When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
United Steaks of America
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.