Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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@funTweeters I am at your service….
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.