It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.