“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer