I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever