I SAID YES!!! πππππππππ β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ someone asked if I was alone for valentineβs day!!!
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technically true but not a great slogan
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
someone told me βI couldnβt think of anyone Iβd rather spend time with,β & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Apparently itβs 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequilaβ¦.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Proof that kids sometimes listenβ¦
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: Iβm dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasnβt?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I falcon love using swear birds
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
If youβre ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and youβll know which way space is.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids arenβt going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.